Dr. Rabbit

"this is my time to shine!"


Those words keep popping into my head every time I'm in the court with my mom. But, I can't seem to say it out loud. It's like somehow I've locked my mouth and hid the keys but when I want to open it, I have no idea where is the key. I keep thinking to myself, "you're such a coward! she is right in front of you and she won't know what the hell are you thinking or why are you behaving this way unless you open your mouth!" But, I can't. I just can't. 


For the past few weeks, I've been occupying myself with playing tennis. Other than I can really use an exercise and I just stopped working reason, I really want to help out with my mom's tennis lesson. Besides, It will be pretty embarrassing if the daughter of one of the best Indonesian tennis player in the 80s can not play tennis. So, I started to brush up my tennis skills and got the hang of it. In my opinion, I'm really good at it. It's hard to admit it tho, but I actually kinda enjoy playing tennis. It's another reason for me to let loose and just forget everything that have been going on. My body, re-taking English O Level this year, money, etc etc. 

(weheartit.com)

Anyway, I have this problem with my mom or myself. Almost every thrice a week, my mom would teach me tennis. But, she is not actually "teaching". In fact, she is the one who becomes the nest Maria Sharapova, not me. In the beginning of the lesson, she would ask me to do a mini tennis with her. And then as we get heated up, we would start move back and play "hitting" with one another. While I'm struggling in receiving her shots, she is getting better and better and it goes on for another 2 hours. I mean come on, if I want to play with you, I wouldn't mind but my skills have to be good enough first. How am I supposed to return your balls or beat you if my basic tennis skills still need to be repaired. It's just a waste of time, for me. Your time has passed. Your victory, trophies, all have gone. Now, it's my turn. And, I really want for my mom to be a part of it :( I don't have the guts to tell my mom "I want you to teach me. Slowly". That's all I ask. I know that my mom can teach me better than my other coach, Bryan. She can't beat his ass up in a tournament, hands down! I want to say "I want you to be my coach, my only coach. Not Bryan. But, I want you to really teach me, they way Bryan does. I know that I can be good and I want you to believe it too"


The reality is, I'm just too afraid. Scared of the consequences, the side effects of my action. What if my mom angry at me, what if she doesn't want to teach me tennis again? I would rather suck it up than taking those chances. Fear, fear, fear! Ahh, I hate myself for having that word written all over me. Sometimes, it's better to shut up, than letting someone else gets hurt. Maybe it's for the best to not saying everything I have in mind. I swear to God, I would do anything, anything to make my mom happy. So many disappointments I've given to my mom, and I've made a promise that my O level result would be the last one. But, I know that she is pretty fed up with me every time we play tennis. I don't really show much interest that I wanna play with her. How am I supposed to put a happy smile and be all energetic when I can't seem to get a single hit right because of her super hard balls and her yelling that driving me nuts! If she wants to yell at me to make me better, fine. Encourage me to be better, but it feels like she doesn't trust me that I can be really good. Or is it just my mind that has been playing around with me? Despite all the facts that I always have negative thoughts about my mom, all I want is to be a better daughter. 

(weheartit.com)